Working with People Whose Behaviour Challenges You

edited by Linda Thornton

These days, anything to do with behaviour that is out of the ordinary, gets a label. There are many labels around and all the time there are new ones being invented, or old ones being re-invented.

If your son or daughter gets one of these fancy labels, don't be scared to ask exactly what that means. And if it doesn't make sense to you, you can be sure it won't make sense to the person you are caring for. so ask again.

One of the best things we can do to try to understand what is happening when faced with "challenging" behaviour, is to put ourselves in the shoes of the person and try to understand what is driving them to act out this way. This is probably the easiest thing to say, and the hardest to do, particularly if you are a parent and faced with some really outrageous behaviour that needs dealing with right away.

And how hard is this when you are totally under pressure, stressed out and all you want to do is have the floor open up and swallow you if not the 'challenger' outright. However, after a few practice runs, it does become easier to actually switch into a different mode and start to look at challenging behaviour in a different light.

The first question to ask is "what is the purpose of this behaviour. what is the intent behind it?" Often this can be easy to answer "oh, Jimmy just wants attention - he wants another biscuit, or he wants the toy his sister has". But sometimes the behaviour can be the only form of communication the person has to try to get you to understand because they are quite unable to get this message across to you any other way.

For instance - if Jimmy is standing at the door, swinging on the handle back and forth, back and forth, shutting and opening, and generally making a nuisance of himself - is he doing it because he wants to find out the workings of the shutting mechanism? Or is he bored? Is this a problem behaviour - or a behaviour that is viewed as a problem possibly because the person exhibiting this behaviour is viewed as "different".

Ask youself, as a caregiver or parent: Do you (a) Give orders? (b) Ask questions?

Giving orders "Stop it right this instance!" might not get the same reaction as, "Are you bored, Jimmy? What can we find you to do?"

Just what is "attention seeking behaviour"? Is it done because the person is wanting to get on your nerves, or is it because they are unable to make themselves understood? Unable to make you listen to them?

What is the label "non-compliant behaviour"? What does it really mean? For whom is it non-compliant? (obviously not to the person himself!) Is the behaviour to avoid doing something else that they may not be able to do, but are unable to make you understand? Ask yourself, "what are the reasons behind this?"

If a person is upset - ask "how can we make the situation less tense?" Can you be angry and articulate at the same time? If the answer is "no", how can you expect someone else to do what you can not?

Are you 'rewarding' or are you 'solving' a problem behaviour? Many's the time that problem behaviour was seen to be something to be punished, but look at it this way: If you have had a bad day at the office and were grumpy and snappy and not wanting to cooperate, and I listen to you and then offer to take you out for a coffee to talk things over, am I 'rewarding' your behaviour? No. I am being understanding and caring of you. So why not do this with everyone. It is not seen to be 'rewarding' someone if you take them out for a coffee, help them settle down, try to understand and ease them back to normality. If you are a caregiver, it's really important to ask yourself this: "Are you supporting a person. or supporting the system?"

Sometimes the system seems to be overpowering the individual and it impinges on the caregiver's ability to care for the person. Don't be afraid to question the system - you probably won't be the first, and certainly won't be the last to do so!

Finally, once an upset person has calmed down, you could ask them these questions: "Why do you need to act as you do?" And "How can I help you get past this difficulty?" Nothing is easy, and we have to keep learning all the time. However, it's important for us all to remember that we are not here to be right. we are here to be helpful.